Bali Hash House Harriers 2

“Earth to Bonkasa, Over”

What do the following people have in common? Colonel Sanders, General Motors, Major Source, Heinz Forty-Seven-Varieties (a hyphenated name), Colonel Bloodnock, Wooden Eye? Yes, that is correct! All of their middle names are Farquhar or Sebastian and they are all Hashers. It is amazing how far Hash culture extends. I once met a couple from a Kazakhstan Hash, and recently a NASA spokesman, Professor Hoover J. Beavercleaver 3d (which is how Americans express “ the third” believe it or not), The Director For Really Friggin’ Powerful Telescopes Especially On The Keppler Spacecraft But Also Some Really Huge Ass Ones On Earth recently announced: “We have discovered an Earth-like planet 64.000 gajillion light years away in the Tralfamadorian Quadrant of Alpha Centauri, coded ITSGR8EREM8, with an atmosphere, ozone layer, continents, oceans, a magnetic field, Starbuck’s, Mc Donald’s and we’re pretty sure we spotted a Hash circle in progress.”

Bonkasa last Saturday was no exception in the exotica department. Even returning hashers were reverting from far flung locations which they assure me feature some kind of Hash : Mr. Bean came back to us from Cornwall, Captain Pugwash from Alaska, Spank Me from the nether regions of the Nether Netherlands. Just look at the following litany of virgins’ and visitors’ names lest you entertain the misguided notion that the Hash is somehow parochial and hick (how dare you?). Winzy, Eric the Viking, Blue Moon, Mr. Lizany (holy shit), Shui Ae Sang and Rang Kum, that’s right you heard me, Rang Kum. Shui Ae Sang, by the way, is not something I did in the circle, nor is Rang Kum for that matter so I’m disabusing you of that line of thinking right here and now.

So, was it a good run, you might reasonably expect to ask seeing as you are reading the Hash Trash and might possibly hope for a comment on the entire reason for the existence of this appalling pamphlet? Does O.J. Simpson shit in the woods? Is the Pope guilty? Of course it was a good run, it was Bonkasa for Chrissakes and it was hared by Closet Queen, who could reccie and lay this trail with a balaclava on backwards. It was a beautiful run, as it always is. Bonkasa can spoil you for just about every other run site on this chicken shaped isle. What doesn’t it have? Ridiculous views, rolling river, bamboo bridges, plunging concrete pebbled stairs and walkways with handrails even, brilliant terraced padis and peanut plantations, majorly titanic banyans, up ups and down downs up up the yin yang, flat sections through spruced up villages with colorful names, lush jungle dells and elaborate temples, rushing dams. Okay, I’ll tell you what it doesn’t have seeing as I asked: a plethora of garbage or yapping, scabby hairless anjing or rude little kiddiewinks shouting naughty words in three languages at you with palms extended, potholed, down at heel kampong or surly or smartarse locals, chronic traffic problems. The place is just touristy enough to be cleanly kept and friendly but far away enough from downtown and plenty Balinese enough to be colorful; the Goldilocks Zone of Ubud and districts, love it, all over it, good paper too on this run.

The short was, however, well over the advertised length of 6 K (Kopek) and I believe so was the long over its 10 K (Kroner) by at least a K (Peso) a piece. Front running “shortarses” (speak for yourself I hear you chortle) got in about 6pm with some LRFRBs, but there were “those” who didn’t show up ‘til MUCH later (for ‘’those” please go to “Horny Herring” and “Gudang” on Wikipedia, please use “quotation” marks). Just one more comment on the run, if I may, made by more than one hasher: if we had done it backwards there wouldn’t have been “The Great Ridge Balls-up of 015” at the start where the pack was slowed to a crawl by glacial progress on crowded steep, dry and insubstantial dirt sections down to the river. It was what it was, though, which was a truly terrific Hash, thanks to Closet Queen and all involved. I will remember it “until I die” (in Labia’s virgin inducting words). Yes folks, I know it’s too sad, I will eventually pass, but everybody dies except Keith Richards. If he is in fact dead when you read this, substitute him with Night Jar.

Speak of the devil, N.J. entertained us mightily in the circle with a memorial mention of an ancient Froggish King with a Toadoid name that wasn’t Louis (Louie) the Umpteenth or the Sun King or The Moon Queen. The Grand Master shriveled a miscreant Tampon on ice (there’s a phrase you don’t hear every day) and delivered unto us “All the Nice Girls Like a Candle” in dulcet tones. It was something of a musical circle. Jangle Balls followed up by celebrating Jenny Two Melons “gifts” with “Thanks For Your Mammaries” which also featured their unannounced brief guest appearance. By Royal appointment and at the behest of His Heinous, King Labia the 1st, here are the lyrics to that dedication:

On on to the 1234 run at Mambal next Saturday,
J. B.