27TH ANNUAL VICTOR AWARDS AT JIMBARAN BAY BEACH RESORT

27TH ANNUAL VICTOR AWARDS AT JIMBARAN BAY BEACH RESORT NOV 19TH

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The sky was lowering battleship grey on the western seaboard as we motored over Benoa Bay on the toll road, putting one in mind of that interminable bridge between New Orleans and Biloxi, but far more scenic. Arrived at the hotel, a perfunctory bed-splitting operation admirably executed by amiable chambermaids, then to sundeck coincident with bar opening at 17.00 – perfect timing. Mismanagement team only? I don’t think so. HORNY HERRING where you been? Alfresco activity all-encompassing, notably at bar and bandstand: resplendent spread of damask rose and gleaming tablewares. Fresh offshore breeze and band tuning. Should keep the black at bay.

But the winds were contrary, and the elements encircling. Offshore breeze submerged in advancing curtain of rain. Pandaemonium. Pity the bandsmen – all that heavy gear just set up, and no cover. Try to keep out of their way. Stand under the awning next to lavatories. Total saturation. Woodstock – where you there – without the mud…. Adjourn to room and wait out the storm with INFLATABLE BEDMATE, JOROCK, WOODEN EYE, WORM, AMAZON ARSE and WOLF, the latter taking my arm over tiled floor like skating rink. Thankee kindly.

On re-emergence everything moved indoors. Bar still open, Let the party recommence. Scintillating show. Spectacular costumes – best dressed award to STEPTOE. Some vital statistics:- 225 registered, 75,000,000 in raffle prizes, plus VICTOR AWARDS – did I get one? – and 14 by 30 litre kegs of beer PROST. And never mind the stickies. Who wasn’t pissed? Hangover recovery run next day at YETI’S WhiteSands Beach Bar with 60 in attendance and three more kegs demolished – not bad going at all, since 50% abstaining. Best circle ever despite absence of WOODEN EYE. And following day full mounty Canadian breakfast also chez YETI. First rate? Actually, it was English. Kudos to all, especially most charming and efficient hotel staff contending with the animals of BALI HASH HOUSE HARRIERS TWO. We shall return.

GLORY GLORY HALLELUJAH